


It's A Wonderful Life

by cloudyunicorn698



Series: It's A Wonderful Life [1]
Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: Christmas, F/F, Inspired by It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27931336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudyunicorn698/pseuds/cloudyunicorn698
Summary: It’s been six months since Jane shot Paddy Doyle. Six months since she has been a homicide detective. Six months since she had a best friend. It’s Christmas Eve and Jane has never felt more alone. While contemplating the worst, an angel appears to show Jane just how important she is to the people around her. Trigger warnings in author notes. Rizzles endgame.
Relationships: Maura Isles & Jane Rizzoli, Maura Isles/Jane Rizzoli
Series: It's A Wonderful Life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058606
Comments: 8
Kudos: 67





	1. Guardian Angel

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Rizzoli & Isles (characters or storylines). I also do not own It’s A Wonderful Life (characters or storylines). I tried to check if there were other R&I stories based on It’s A Wonderful Life. I found one with Maura as the George Bailey character (and one that seems to combine the It’s A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol storylines), so hopefully this isn’t too much overlap with anything already out there. I actually just watched the movie for the first time recently, and I can’t get this story out of my head. 
> 
> Diverges from canon in episode 3x01 at the point Jane is relegated to evidence management. They haven’t yet found “the book.”
> 
> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and intentions. I thought about going another route (e.g. Jane is injured in the line of duty), but it is an essential plot point for It’s A Wonderful Life. I hope I can give due diligence to such an important, difficult, and complex issue.
> 
> Trigger warning for imagined death of a major character - not Jane or Maura (in the alternate timeline).

It was 5pm on Christmas Eve when Jane shut down her computer. She had been working in evidence management for almost six months now. Internal Affairs still thought she was a dirty cop, but they hadn’t been able to prove it. The investigation had been enough, though, to get her booted from homicide.

Jane headed out of BPD into the snow-covered streets of Boston. The snow was coming down heavily, and it looked like not only would Boston have a white Christmas, but they would be stuck at home for a few days. Jane was internally thankful for this. It was an easy excuse to avoid Christmas with her family. She text her mother to let her know that she was going to go home because of the snowstorm rather than come over for Christmas Eve dinner. She had never intended to go to dinner, but she hadn’t been able to come up with a good excuse. She also lied and told her mother her phone was dying. She turned off her phone without waiting for a response.

Despite what she told her mother, Jane had no intention of going home. Instead, she got into her car and drove to a bar across town where no one would know her. She planned on getting drunk tonight. After a few too many beers, the bartender took her keys and offered to call her a cab, but she declined the offer.

Back on the street, Jane began walking. She wasn’t exactly sure where she was headed, but eventually she found herself at the base of Longfellow bridge. The Charles River was beautiful in the evening with the snow coming down. She walked out onto the bridge. Since it was Christmas Eve and likely because of the snow, the pedestrian path was eerily empty. Finding a spot to look out over the water at the beautiful Boston skyline, she stopped and just stared out.

Had you asked her at any other point in her life if she would ever consider suicide, she would have told you no. However, after the last six months, she wasn’t sure if she could keep going. It was even worse than after Hoyt attacked her in that basement. There is no doubt that the trauma of the attack affected her significantly, but she had been okay. She loathed to admit it, but she knew this was because that was when she and Maura had started to become friends. The doctor had taken to making sure Jane was eating during her recovery. Sure, it was a bit weird, especially since they barely knew each other before that, but it had been Maura’s quirky way of showing she cared. Maura had been the beacon of light in her life during that trying time, but now Maura was gone. Jane had shot her father, and no matter how justified the shooting had been – Doyle was going to shoot Frost for god’s sake – Maura refused to forgive Jane. Not that Jane made it any better. When she realized her friend was angry with her for doing her job, she got pissed and lashed out at the ME. Ever since that day, they had fought. They fought in every possible way. Sometimes the fights were petty (Connors from IA went so far as to call it a catfight. When both Jane and Maura turned their anger on him, Jane had a glimmer of hope that they could be on the same side again, but that didn’t last); sometimes their fights targeted the deepest parts of the other. Jane had called Maura ‘water,’ implying she wasn’t family. This wasn’t really how Jane felt about Maura, but her temper got the best of her and she hit her friend where she knew it would hurt. Maura hit back hard though, targeting Jane’s education and class. It had only gotten worse from there.

The worst part was though that they had stopped talking to each other altogether. As much as Maura’s comments hurt, Jane would take that over the silence any day. Over time, Jane began pulling away from everyone. Her family still included Maura in everything. She wasn’t sure if this was because her mother felt guilty for choosing Jane instead of Maura when Jane asked her to or if it was because her family thought that Jane and Maura would eventually make up if they spent time together. It’s not that Jane didn’t want her family to still include Maura. On the contrary, she was afraid her presence would drive the doctor away, and she knew how important family was to Maura because despite everything that had happened between them, Jane still loved Maura. Maura was still the person Jane cared about most in this world, and she didn’t just love her as a friend. She was in love with Maura. She had known this for a while before the shooting, but she never intended to say anything. She thought it would ruin their friendship. She had been terrified of losing Maura, but she had lost her anyway. And the worst part was that Maura thought she had chosen a man over her. In a way, she did, but that hadn’t been her intention. In fact, her intention had been exactly the opposite. She didn’t care if she put Dean’s career in jeopardy if it meant keeping Maura safe. Asking him not to do anything about Doyle had done just that. Had he done so, he probably would have lost his job. Honestly, Jane didn’t really care, though. All that mattered was Maura’s safety and happiness. And if that meant that Jane had to give up her family and friends for Maura, she would do that.

She knew her mother well enough to know that she probably felt guilty about this, even if it was Jane’s choice. Maura probably felt guilty about it too. Honestly, they would be better off without her. Then they could just be family without having to worry about her. Maybe everyone would be better off without her. Her thoughts continued to spiral out of control the longer she stood on that bridge.

She was still lost in thought, wondering how fast the frigid water of the Charles River would take her life. It would be so easy to just let go and fall over the railing.

“It’s not worth it,” a deep voice from behind Jane said, causing her to jump in surprise.

Turning around, Jane eyed the stranger. “What do you want?” she snapped rather rudely.

“I know what you’re thinking about, and I’m here to tell you it’s not worth it.”

“How could you possibly know what I am thinking about?” Jane asked.

“Because I’ve been there. Well, not exactly where you are standing, but metaphorically. On the same night in 1945, in fact, but I was in a small town in New York.”

“Whatever,” Jane commented. She was sure that this man was just a crazy drunk; she supposed she was too at the moment, but she didn’t care. “Who are you?” she asked in spite of herself.

“I’m your guardian angel. My name is George Bailey.”

Jane scoffed, “Sure, you’re an angel.”

“I am, and I’m here to help you.”

“Unless you have Paddy Doyle’s book or can take me back in time six months, you can’t help me. Besides, you don’t look like an angel,” she added turning to look at him. He didn’t exactly look like a drunk or like he was homeless either though.

“I haven’t earned my wings. I’m actually hoping you can help me earn my wings,” George added.

“I’m not helping you do anything. Leave me alone,” Jane snapped.

“Alright, suit yourself,” George said, turning around and walking away.

Jane turned just in time to see the man fall over the railing separating the pedestrian path from the road. Cars were flying over the bridge and with the snow and darkness, there was no way someone would see him in time. Jane acted without thought, leaping over the barrier to pull him to safety just seconds before a car ran him over. As she followed him over the barrier, she slipped on the ice. As she was falling, she felt her head smack the railing.

“Are you alright?”

Jane opened her eyes to see George Bailey leaning over her. She sat up slowly, putting her hand to the side of her head that had just hit the railing. She was surprised to find that it didn’t hurt at all. She stood up quickly. “What the hell were you doing? You could have been killed!” Jane shouted.

“I was saving your life,” George stated simply.

“Saving my life…I just saved your life,” Jane said angrily.

“Yes, and by saving my life I have just saved your life. You, Jane Rizzoli, have been given a great gift,” George said.

“How do you know my name?” Jane asked.

“I told you. I’m your guardian angel. I know everything about you.”

“You know nothing about me,” Jane said.

“You think killing yourself would make your family and friends happier, right?” George asked. “Except, I know that you, as a police officer, have seen the devastation that suicide brings to those left behind.”

Jane thought for a minute. This was true; she had seen what suicide did to the survivors. She still wasn’t convinced that her friends and family wouldn’t be better without her, that Maura wouldn’t be better without her. “I guess you’re right. I suppose it would have been better if I’d never been born at all.”

“You wish you’d never been born?” George asked.

Jane laughed humorlessly, “Yeah, I wish I was never born.”

“As I was saying, you have been given a great gift, Jane. I will grant your wish: you’ve never been born,” George said.

Suddenly, a violent gust of wind and snow swirled around them.

“What the hell?” Jane shouted as the wind calmed down.

“Your wish has been granted. You were never born,” George said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“I’m standing right here. How can I have never been born?” Jane asked indignantly. She wasn’t sure why she was still having this conversation. Maybe she’d had more to drink than she thought.

“Yes, but you are nobody.”

“I’m Jane Rizzoli!” Jane shouted.

“There is no Jane Rizzoli. Jane Rizzoli was never born.”

Jane reached into her pockets, intending to show him her ID or her badge or something, but her pockets were empty. “What the hell?” she shouted again. “Did you steal my wallet?”

“If I were a pickpocket, I wouldn’t still be standing here. You have no drivers license, no credit cards, no badge, nothing.”

Jane lifted her hand to check the breast pocket of her coat.

“It’s not there either,” George said.

“What?” Jane asked.

“The chess piece Maura gave you. As I’ve said a few times now, Jane, you’ve been given a great gift – a chance to see what the world would be like without you.”


	2. Maura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t expect this to be a long story (5-7 chapters). Honestly, I’d rather be writing fluff, but for whatever reason I need to get this one out of my brain.

Maura was pretty sure her house had never been this clean. Sure, it was always clean, but she had just spent the entire day cleaning an already clean house from top to bottom. To say she was anxious would be an understatement.

Maura had both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off this year, but for the first time since before she met Jane, she wished she didn’t have the holidays off. Before Jane and the whole Rizzoli clan had come into her life, she had always taken the holiday shifts. She figured it made sense to let people with families to go home to take the days off; plus, if she was working, she wouldn’t be alone. However, ever since Jane had come storming into her life, she had spent the holidays with her family – first at Jane’s childhood home; then, when Angela and Frank got divorced, she started hosting the family gatherings at her house. Sometimes, she still had to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or whatever other holiday they might decide to celebrate, but she would always make it back to enjoy at least some of the celebration. She suspected that sometimes Jane made her family stay longer than they typically would just so that Maura didn’t miss out completely.

She was still hosting Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at her house, but this year was different. She hadn’t seen Jane in weeks – if it weren’t for Angela, she wouldn’t even know if Jane was still around and okay – and she hadn’t had a real conversation with Jane in months.

After Jane shot Paddy, Maura had reacted poorly. Yes, she was afraid that Paddy Doyle would die before he had a chance to tell her more about her past and about her biological mother, but a few weeks after the incident, she realized that wasn’t the real reason she lashed out at Jane. Had you asked her in the days immediately following the shooting, she would have told you she was angry that Jane shot her _father_ , and she would have meant it. Eventually, though, her logical brain returned. She knew that Jane’s actions had been the right ones. Jane was a cop; she had to defend herself and her partner. Now, Maura knew that Jane was also shooting to protect her in that moment. She didn’t believe that Paddy would ever hurt her, but had a full shoot-out started, she could have easily been caught in the crosshairs. Besides, Jane hadn’t shot to kill; she never shot to kill if she could help it.

No, the real reason Maura had been so angry was because she felt Jane had betrayed her by confiding in Agent Dean. Eventually, she realized that Jane had only been trying to protect her, but at the time, it had felt as though Jane had stabbed her in the heart. It had felt like Jane chose her _boyfriend_ over Maura. The problem was that Maura only realized what she had after she lost it. Maura was in love with her best friend because even if she was no longer Jane’s best friend and even if Jane never spoke to her again, Jane would always be Maura’s best friend. Maura knew now that those feelings had been there long before the shooting, but she hadn’t realized it, at least not until Jane started pulling away.

Maura also knew enough about psychology to know that she had cycled through most of the common defense mechanisms associated with extreme anxiety. She had _displaced_ her anger at her father, at Agent Dean and the FBI, and at the situation by redirecting that anger onto Jane; she spent a significant amount of time in _denial_ – in denial of her own role in destroying her relationship with Jane and in denial of how she really felt about Jane; and she had _projected_ her own insecurities and negative emotions onto Jane. It wasn’t until much later that she realized that she had probably taken some (or many) of Jane’s statements wrong because she was projecting her anger and hurt onto Jane’s actions, regardless of what Jane’s actual intentions had been.

She had engaged in _sublimation_ – although, this was probably one of the healthier responses she had engaged in; she had always been a runner, but she had run more in the last six months than she had ever run before as she tried to rid her body of the negative energy. She engaged in _reaction formation_ nearly every day when she went to work, projecting the happy, put-together façade that didn’t remotely reflect her actual state of well-being. But the defense mechanisms she found herself resorting to the most was _rationalization._ She had reevaluated the events of that day and the next days over and over again trying to understand Jane’s actions, as well as her own actions. At first, she could rationalize every one of her choices and behaviors, but as the fog of the situation dissipated and she could see more of the truth of what happened that day, she realized that she may have been selecting certain aspects of the situation to fit _her_ story.

She’d even experienced _regression_. Not the kind of regression you hear about on TV where adults begin sucking their thumb, but she often found herself overwhelmed by social situations that hadn’t bothered her in years. She began avoiding social gatherings and tried to limit interacting with other people to work. Angela hadn’t allowed her to fully disappear into her own world though, and she was grateful for that (well, she was grateful after the fact; in the moment, she resented it).

In the immediate aftermath of the shooting, they had fought, and at the time, it hurt more than she could possibly explain. That pain turned out to be nothing compared to the pain of Jane pulling away, of Jane giving up on their friendship. Truth be told, as used to being forgotten by people she once thought of as friends as she was, she had never thought that would happen with Jane. When they were fighting, she hated it, but she also assumed they would eventually make up. They never made up, though, and eventually, Jane stopped coming around. Maura didn’t even see Jane at work anymore now that she had been transferred to evidence management. Jane had stopped coming to Sunday dinners or any other family events held at Maura’s house. She had worked on Thanksgiving. While this wasn’t unusual, Maura suspected that this year it was especially intentional.

However, tonight was Christmas Eve, and Jane was only working until 5pm. Maura knew that Angela had made it clear to Jane that she was not allowed to miss Christmas Eve dinner or Christmas Day. Maura was still convinced Jane would find some way to get out of it just to avoid her, but it was not five minutes to four and as far as she knew Jane hadn’t cancelled yet.

If Jane did show up, Maura was determined to talk to her. To be honest, she had no idea what she would say. She couldn’t exactly tell Jane that she was in love with her and needed her in her life. She knew she had to apologize. She had been wanting to apologize for months now, but she didn’t want to do it at work or over text (maybe she was _avoiding_ the hard conversation, too), so she hadn’t found an opportunity to do so yet.

Maura jumped when she heard Angela open the side door.

“Hi, sweetie. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Angela greeted.

“No, Angela, it’s okay,” Maura responded as she went to relieve Angela of some of the items she was bringing in. “I was expecting you; I just got lost in thought.”

After Angela had put everything down, she pulled Maura into a hug. “Merry Christmas, Maura,” she said into her hair.

“Merry Christmas, Angela,” Maura returned.

Maura and Angela set about making Christmas Eve dinner. They worked well together in the kitchen, barely needed to talk as they worked around each other. Everyone was expected to arrive between 5:30pm and 6pm, depending on traffic. Just after 5pm, they were able to sit down with a glass of wine. The side dishes had been prepared, and the hot dishes were cooking. Everything would be ready on time.

“Thank you,” Angela said as Maura handed her a fresh glass of wine.

“You’re welcome,” Maura replied.

They sat there for a few minutes in uncomfortable silence. Angela wanted to ask Maura how she was doing, but she knew that Maura wasn’t doing as well as she wanted everyone to think. The doctor might be an expert at hiding her true feelings from most of the world, but Angela prided herself on paying attention to her children. Even with everything that had happened between Maura and Jane, Angela considered the doctor one of her children. It was the little things that gave Maura away: the missing earrings, wearing the same pair of heels two days in a row, the food delivery drivers that appeared more than once a week sometimes.

Angela was still watching Maura out of the side of her eye trying to decide what to say when her phone buzzed. Picking up her phone, she couldn’t help but let out a soft, “Oh!” when she read Jane’s text saying that she wasn’t coming.

“I’ll be right back,” Angela said to Maura. She stepped outside to call Jane, intending to tell her that she better show-up. If she was worried about the snow, she could spend the night with Angela in the guest house, or better yet with Maura. Angela knew this wasn’t Jane’s real reason for backing out though. In fact, she had fully expected this. That didn’t mean she was going to let her daughter get away with missing Christmas Eve.

The call went straight to voicemail. “Jane, you better show up for dinner,” Angela hissed angrily. “I don’t care what excuse you come up with. Walk if you have to. Rent snow dogs for all I care just be here.” She hung up and immediately tried again. When it went straight to voicemail again, she added, “If you don’t show up, I’m coming to find you. There is no where in this city where you can hide from me, so don’t bother trying.”

Just as Angela hung up, she heard the side door open. Turning around, she saw Maura’s worried expression. “Is everything okay?” the doctor asked, anxiety lacing her voice.

Angela just sighed and walked back into the house. When Maura had shut the door behind them, Angela turned back to look at her again as she said, “That was Jane.”

Before Angela could continue, Maura cut her off. “She’s not coming,” Maura said sadly.

Angela shook her head, “She says she’s worried about the snow. I made it clear that she needed to be here regardless of how she got here, but I only got her voicemail.”

Angela could tell Maura was on the verge of tears. “Honey,” she started, stepping forward to pull Maura into a hug, but Maura stepped back.

Shaking her head, Maura said, “I’m fine.”

But she wasn’t fine. As much as Angela wanted to offer her physical comfort the way she was used to, she knew that would be too much for the reserved doctor right now. Unfortunately, the only person who could help her was also the cause of her distress. It went against every motherly instinct in her body, but she said, “Why don’t you take a few minutes to go upstairs and make sure you have everything you need before the house gets crazy?”

Maura nodded gratefully and turned to head up the stairs. In the sanctity and privacy of her own bedroom, she could take a deep breath. She still wanted to break down and cry, but she knew that if she did, she wouldn’t be able to cover the evidence before she had to be back downstairs. Instead, she sat on the end of her bed and began her breathing exercises in an attempt to calm herself.


	3. Jane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re like me and only click to the last chapter to read updates, note that I posted two chapters today. Make sure to check out chapter 2 as well.

Jane was still eyeing the man standing before her with suspicion. “Whatever, I’m going back to the bar,” she said. She would never admit it to anyone, but she was a bit freaked out right now. She decided to go to the only place where she knew she would know people, but her family wouldn’t be there. She started walking back towards the Dirty Robber. She intended to hail a cab as soon as she saw one seeing as she didn’t have her phone anymore to call an Uber, but she never saw one. She was frozen stiff by the time she walked in the front door of the bar she so often frequented.

When the bell on the door sounded, the man from the bridge who had followed her said, “You know, whenever a bell sounds, that means an angel has earned his wings.”

She ignored him and just sat down at the bar, annoyed when he sat down right her.

Murray, the bar’s owner, was working behind the bar tonight, probably so that his employees could be at home for the holidays. He walked up to them and asked, “What can I get you?”

“I’ll have the usual,” Jane said without hesitation.

“And what would that be?” Murray questioned.

Jane was confused; Murray always knew everyone from the precinct’s favorite drink. He even carried higher end wine, specifically for Maura. Shaking her head slightly, but deciding to let it slide, she said, “Blue Moon.”

“And you?” he asked George.

“I’ll have the same,” George said. Leaning over to Jane, he whispered, “What’s a Blue Moon? Is that some kind of fruity drink?”

Jane scoffed, “It’s beer. How old are you exactly?”

“I was born in 1907. Died in 1997,” he responded nonchalantly.

Jane just rolled her eyes as Murray returned with their drinks. They sat in silence as they drank. Jane ordered a second one; when she finished, she asked for the tab.

When Murray handed her the check, she reached for her wallet before remembering it wasn’t there. “Shit!” she exclaimed. “You took my wallet,” she accused George.

“No, I didn’t. I already told you. You don’t exist, which means you don’t have a wallet, or anything to put in it, mind you.”

“Well then, are you gonna pay for these drinks?” she snapped.

“I don’t have any money. No need,” he said.

“Oh, yeah,” Jane said loudly. “Well, how are we going to pay for our drinks.” She was nearly screaming at George when she felt a soft tap on her shoulder. She whipped around intending to bite the head off whomever had decided to butt-in, but she froze when she saw who it was.

“It’s for you,” the blonde woman said, holding out a $20. “I overheard you saying you forgot your wallet.”

Jane opened and closed her mouth stupidly a few times, unable to respond.

“And given your current state…likely from having too much to drink…you’d be better off ordering some food to absorb some of the alcohol.”

“What the hell?” Jane breathed out. This isn’t what she had intended to say, but her best friend was currently standing in front of her talking to her as though they had never met. The indifference in her attitude hurt Jane more than words ever could.

“I was simply trying to be nice,” Maura said. She put the $20 on the bar before turning to walk out the front door.

Jane shoved the $20 and the bill to the back of the bar before bolting out the front door, intending to catch Maura. She wasn’t fast enough though, and the blond was nowhere to be found when Jane got outside.

George walked out right behind her. “What the hell?” she asked again. This time directing the question at the man who had been following her all evening.

“She doesn’t know who you are. She has never met Jane Rizzoli because Jane Rizzoli was never born.”

“She was talking to me?!” Jane yelled in his face.

“Yes, but you are nobody. As I’ve said many times now, Jane Rizzoli does not exist.”

Jane threw her hands up in the air in frustration and let out a scream.

Taking a deep breath, Jane turned back to George. “Fine, I’m gonna play along. I must be having some sort of mental breakdown or I don’t know what, but I’ve seen enough movies to know the only way to get this to end is to play along.”

“Good. Let’s head back to your car. What would you like to see, then?” George asked as they began walking back to the bar where Jane had left her car.

Jane thought for a moment. She really wanted to follow Maura, but she wasn’t sure that she could handle seeing how well Maura was doing without her. Not that she could handle anything at the moment since clearly, she was losing her mind. “I want to see my family,” she said.

“Which family member would you like to see first?” George asked.

“Well, aren’t they all together. It’s Christmas Eve,” Jane said.

“You have to pick one,” is all George said.

“Fine, Ma. Let’s start with Ma,” Jane said. She figured wherever her mom was, the rest of her family would be there too.

It seemed to Jane as though it didn’t take them as long as it should have to walk back to her car. When they got there, she paused. “The bartender took my keys,” Jane said. “And I probably shouldn’t be driving, I’ve had a lot to drink.”

“You’re not drunk. You don’t exist. There cannot be alcohol in a person who does not exist. I’ll go get your keys,” George said. He turned and walked into the bar without waiting for Jane’s response.

Once they were on the road, Jane began driving towards Beacon Hill. “You’re going the wrong way,” George said.

“What are you talking about?” Jane asked. “I know the way to my mother’s.”

“You mother doesn’t live at Dr. Isles house. They don’t know each other. You parents still live in your childhood home.”

 _Great_ , Jane thought to herself. _I’m gonna get to see my family still intact. Just what I needed, to know that my parents would still be happily married had I never been born._

Jane didn’t say anything as she redirected the car towards her family home.

When they arrived, Jane stood awkwardly on the front porch. She wasn’t sure if she should knock. When her parents had actually lived here, she would have just walked in, but she still wasn’t convinced this wasn’t some elaborate joke. She didn’t want to just burst into some random family’s Christmas Eve, so she decided to ring the doorbell.

Her mother opened the door to Jane’s shocked face. “You do know it’s Christmas Eve?” her mother asked.

“Yes, um, sorry,” Jane stuttered. Her mother had never talked to her with such a cold tone before.

“Ang, who is it?” Jane heard her father call from the other room.

“I don’t know,” Angela called back. Turning back to Jane, she said, “Good night,” as she started to close the door.

But Jane put her hand out to stop the door from closing, “Wait, please.” The desperation in Jane’s voice was enough to make her mom stop. “I just, um, is Frankie here?” she eventually asked, not knowing what else to say. Her brother wouldn’t be able to pretend he didn’t know her. Frankie was a terrible actor and nearly as bad of a liar as Maura.

“How do you know Frankie?” Angela asked skeptically.

“Old friend,” was all Jane could say. She knew by this point that if she said she was her daughter or Frankie’s sister, the door would be slammed in her face faster than she could react.

“Well, he’s not here,” Angela responded as Frank walked up behind his wife.

“What’s going on here?” Frank asked, clearly annoyed that someone had interrupted their dinner. Jane could smell the alcohol on his breath from the front step. She knew he was drunk to the point where he would be mean.

“I’m just looking for Frankie. It’s important. Where can I find him?” Jane asked.

“He’s in Ohio with his wife and daughter,” Angela said. “You an old girlfriend we never knew about? Does he have another kid that he won’t meet till their 10?”

“No, no, I’m not an old girlfriend. I’m just…well, I just care about him a lot. Not romantically, though. Lily, right? That’s his daughter’s name?” Jane asked.

“Yeah. She’s a good kid, but her mom’s a basket case. Spends all their money before Frankie can blink. It’s why they aren’t here for Christmas. Couldn’t afford to come and it’s not like we can exactly afford to bring them out here,” Angela said.

“Why you tellin’ our family business to a stranger?” Frank said angrily.

“She knows Frankie. Knew Lily’s name, didn’t she?” Angela retorted.

Frank rolled his eyes and went back to the other room.

“I know Tommy, too,” Jane decided to try. “Can I talk to him?”

Angela gave a humorless laugh, “Oh, you know Tommy. Well, then you should know you won’t be seeing him. In prison. Life with no parole. Killed another ex-con. Barely out of prison for running over our priest drunk and he lands himself right back in there,” Angela said, shaking her head.

“He didn’t kill John Polk!” Jane said desperately, but Angela just eyed her with even more suspicion.

“Who did you say you were again?” Angela asked.

Jane sighed, “Sorry to bother you. I’m just an old friend of theirs. I’m gonna go, but I hope you have a nice Christmas Eve.” Jane turned and walked back down the path to the waiting car. She could feel her mother’s eyes on her back until she was out of sight.

When Jane got back in the car, she just stared at the steering wheel in disbelief.

“You okay?” George eventually asked.

“Am I okay? No, I’m not okay!” Jane yelled. “What the hell?”

“Without you as a role model, Frankie never became a cop. Instead, he followed your father’s footsteps and went into the plumbing business. Therefore, when Theresa came back into his life, he didn’t have the experience or the resources to check to see if Lily was actually his daughter. As you know, she’s not, but Frankie is still the good person you’ve always known. He did what he thought was the right thing and married Theresa. He tries to provide for all three of them. They moved to Ohio when Theresa got a new job, but she lost it within three months. They didn’t have the money to move back though, so they stayed. They get by, but it’s an unhappy marriage and they rarely see your parents. Lily barely knows her grandparents, or the people she thinks are her grandparents. Frankie’s a good dad though. At this point, even if he’s not her biological father, he’s the best parent that kid will ever have and she’s the only good thing in his life,” George explained.

“And without you working in BPD pushing for his innocence, Tommy was charged and convicted for John Polk’s murder. Because he was innocent, he refused to take a plea deal. The evidence was piled up against him. Even though it was circumstantial, with only a public defender, it was more than enough to get him life without parole.”

George continued, “Your parents only have each other now. Even if they are unhappy and it’s a toxic marriage, they are both too afraid of losing the only family member they have left. Your father drinks himself into a blackout nearly every night. Your mother barely leaves the house.”

Jane through her head back against the headrest of her seat.

“Now, the night is getting late, so what would you like to see next?” George asked.

“Frost,” Jane said. How bad could his life be without her? This should be a “safe” person to see.

“Then head back towards downtown,” George directed her.

She followed his directions, but when she started heading towards the precinct as she got closer, he said, “No, you need to go the other way.” He gave her step by step instructions until she found herself in front of a cemetery.

Parking the car, she turned to look at George. “Please tell me he’s here visiting someone?” she pleaded.

“I’m sorry, Jane,” he said before turning to get out of the car. Jane just followed him until they found themselves looking at a gravestone that read:

_Barold “Barry” Frost  
_ _Beloved son and friend  
_ _February 1, 1984 – September 13, 2010_

“Oh my god,” Jane breathed.

Pulling at her arm, George said, “Let’s go talk in the car.” When they were back in the car, he started, “He died during the siege at headquarters last year. Without you there to shoot yourself – still a reckless decision by the way – the firefight went on a lot longer. No one ever figured out the Bobby Marino was a part of the drug ring. He got away in the chaos by pretending to join the BPD team storming the building. The rest of his crew and a number of officers, including detective Frost were killed in the shootout.”

George paused, waiting for Jane to say something, when she didn’t, he said, “Why don’t we head to BPD? You can see what it’s like there.”

Jane just nodded and turned on the car. She drove them to headquarters and parked in front of the building. Jane took a second to gather herself before getting out of the car. When she walked through the front doors, she noticed that it didn’t look any different than it did in real life (or what she thought/ _hoped_ was real life). Korsak was sitting with a coffee in the café, so she went in and sat at the table next to him. By this point, she knew it wasn’t a good idea to try to talk to him, but she hoped she could observe him without drawing suspicion.

Generally, he didn’t look any different. Maybe a little more tired, but otherwise normal. Her lieutenant, Sean Cavanaugh walked in while she was sitting there. He got a cup of coffee before joining Korsak at his table, sighing as he sat down.

“That bad,” Korsak asked.

“I’m not sure it could be worse,” Cavanaugh replied. “She’ll likely lose her job.”

“She might be difficult to interact with, but she’s the best ME we’ve had the entire time I’ve worked at BPD,” Korsak said.

“I know, but…” Sean started.

“You really think she would be in league with Paddy Doyle? I mean I know he’s her father, but I just can’t see Dr. Isles colluding with the Irish Mob. Sean, how long have we been trying to take down Paddy Doyle? Did you really think this was how we would get him?”

“No, never in a million years would I have thought this is how we would take Paddy Doyle down,” Sean responded shaking his head. “As for Dr. Isles involvement, I really don’t know. Does anyone really know her? I know her work is impeccable, and I don’t disagree that she’s the best we’ve ever had, at least from the forensic side of things.”

Korsak nodded, “I don’t know, Sean. She just doesn’t seem like that kinda person to me, but I guess you’re right; none of us really know her. You and I probably have the best relationship with her of anyone in the department, and that’s saying something. I don’t think I’ve ever had a non-work related conversation with her.”

“I don’t think anyone has,” Sean replied sadly. “Regardless, the optics are bad, and I don’t think the governor is going to stand behind her. She’s Paddy Doyle’s _daughter._ He crashed our crime scene to protect her. That’s a problem. I’m guessing that she either resigns on her own, or he asks for her resignation before the first of the year. This whole thing’s a mess. The whole department is under investigation. Our jobs aren’t safe either.”

“I know,” Korsak said, sounding resigned.

“You should go home, Vince. It’s Christmas Eve,” Sean said.

“Ha, go home to what?” Korsak said.

“Yeah, I know the feeling. Want to grab a drink at the Robber? Might be pathetic but better than being alone on Christmas Eve,” Sean asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Korsak said, standing up.

Once they had left, Jane stood up and muttered, “I’ve had enough. Let’s go,” to George.

As soon as they were back in the car, Jane started driving. “Where are we going?” George asked.

“We’re going to Maura’s,” Jane said. “Or are you going to tell me she doesn’t live in her house either?”

“No, she lives there,” George said. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Jane didn’t answer, she just kept driving the familiar route to her best friend’s house.

Walking up to the front door, she paused before knocking. It took a few minutes before Maura came to the door, still dressed in her work clothes that Jane had seen her wearing at the bar. Maura squinted in confused, clearly recognizing her from the bar.

“Hi,” Jane said weakly.

“Did you follow me?” Maura asked, fear evident in her voice.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m not here to bother you. I just…” Jane trailed off, not sure what to say. She couldn’t exactly say, _I’m living in an alternate reality. In real life, you are the love of my life even though you hate me right now._

“Then, what do you want?” Maura asked, hugging her sweater tighter around her body.

“Can I come in?” Jane asked.

“No, I don’t know you,” Maura replied.

“Right, sorry,” Jane said.

“Look, I don’t know why you’re here. If it’s to pay me back, I don’t need or want your money. Please leave me alone,” she said as she started to close the door.

“Maura, wait, please,” Jane shouted.

Maura stopped, “How do you know my name? I know I didn’t tell you at the bar. Did Murray tell you? He shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, he didn’t. I…you’re a public figure,” Jane said, changing course mid-sentence.

Maura rolled her eyes. “Right, everyone in Boston knows who I am now. Please let me alone,” she said exasperated.

“No, wait, I know more than just your name. I know your favorite wine is Grenache; you have a tortoise that you love named Bass; you have more pairs of shoes than one person could probably wear; stomach contents are your favorite part of an autopsy; you can an A- in biochem in 1996 and you still aren’t over it; you get hives when you lie; your favorite tea is grown in panda poop – I don’t remember what it’s really called since I always call in panda poop tea just to bug you; you once watched _Jersey Shore_ because you thought it was a documentary; you often diagnose your dates with weird medical conditions; but most importantly, you’re the best, most generous, amazing person I’ve ever met.”

Maura’s eyes were wide, as she said, “Are you stalking me? I’m calling the police.” She shut the door in Jane’s face without waiting for a response.

Jane could feel the tears freezing as they fell thickly down her face. She felt like she couldn’t move, but she knew if she stood their much longer, she probably would be arrested, so she got back in the car. George was no where to be found, though. Jane let out a sob and yelled in frustration before pulling the car back onto the road. She didn’t know what to do now, or where to go.

Eventually, she found herself parked back in front of the random bar where she had started this awful night. She didn’t remember deciding to go back there, but she got out of the car anyway. She walked back to the bridge where she screamed “GEORGE BAILEY!” as loudly as she could out over the side of the bridge. She was still crying heavily. “I want to go home. Please, I want to go home,” she quietly sobbed as she rested her head on her arms on the railing.

“What was that?” George said from behind her. Jane whipped around, once again slipping on the ice. As she was falling, she felt her head smack the railing.


	4. Fear

Maura remained quiet throughout Christmas Eve dinner, only talking when asked a direct question.

After dessert, Maura was beginning to feel the exhaustion set in, and she was hoping everyone would leave soon. As people started dispersing from the table, Tommy slid over to sit next to Maura.

“Are you okay?” he asked so that only she could hear.

“I’m tired,” Maura said honestly, but this only described a tiny fraction of what she was feeling.

“Maura, I know it’s more than that. It’s about Jane, right?” Tommy asked.

“I miss her,” Maura admitted quietly, trying to hold back the tears.

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry. I know my sister can be a real asshole, sometimes.”

“Tommy!” Maura admonished, but Tommy could still hear the slight amusement in her voice.

Holding up his hands in mock defeat, he said, “Okay, sorry. I meant she can be really stubborn.”

Maura just nodded. “I really messed up, though. Tommy, I said a lot of things I didn’t mean that hurt her,” she said.

Tommy nodded, “But I’m guessing she also said a lot of things she didn’t mean that hurt you. Remember, I grew up with her. I’ve been on the receiving end of her frustration more than anyone else, I think.”

This made Maura smile sadly. “She loves you, though, Tommy.”

“She loves you, too, Maura,” Tommy said. “You should talk to her.”

“I want to,” Maura said. “But she’s avoiding me. I was going to try to talk to her tonight because I thought she would come for your mother, at least. She didn’t come, though,” Maura added unnecessarily.

“Maybe tomorrow?” Tommy suggested.

“I doubt she will come tomorrow,” Maura said. “I think she will find a way to see your mother and maybe the rest of your family without seeing me. She will find some excuse to miss dinner.”

“I thought that Maura Isles didn’t guess,” Tommy teased, trying to cheer her up.

“It’s an educated hypothesis based on six months of evidence and years of knowing Jane,” Maura said seriously.

“Okay, I was just joking,” Tommy said, and Maura smiled weakly.

Angela came back to the table with a cup of tea for Maura and herself. Just as she was sitting down, her phone rang. “Who would be calling me on Christmas Eve?” she muttered as she pulled it out.

Glancing over at Angela’s phone, Maura recognized the number as a phone number associated with Massachusetts General Hospital.

“Eh, I don’t know who it is. I’ll just let it go to voicemail,” Angela said, setting down the phone.

“No, Angela, answer it. That’s a hospital number,” Maura said quickly.

Angela immediately grabbed the phone and answered.

Maura and Tommy couldn’t hear the person on the other end of the phone and Angela was mostly answering questions, so they weren’t sure exactly what was happening. They could tell by the look on Angela’s face, though, that it wasn’t good.

“It’s Jane,” Angela said as soon as she hung up, standing up to find her keys and coat.

“What?” Maura said, also standing up. She could feel the panic rising inside her as she followed Angela to the kitchen. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Angela said. “They just said she was brought into the ER. They wouldn’t tell me anything more over the phone. I have to go to the hospital.”

“I’m coming with you,” Maura said quickly. Angela just nodded and Maura ran to get her coat from the closet and grabbed her purse. She followed Angela out to the car and got in the passenger seat. She knew she should probably offer to drive, but she was too panicky to drive safely.

They sat in silence on the drive to the hospital, but Angela could tell that Maura was barely holding herself together. She was afraid she might start having a panic attack in the car. When they pulled into the hospital complex, she offered, “I’ll drop you off at the front door. Then, I’ll park and meet you inside.”

Maura just nodded. She was afraid that if she opened her mouth to speak, she might vomit. _What if something life threatening had happened to Jane? What if she was already dead? What if she died not knowing how important she was to Maura, not knowing how Maura felt about her?_

Maura jumped out of the car as soon as it came to a stop and ran in the front doors. She immediately found the reception desk and asked for Jane.

“Are you family?” the receptionist asked.

“Oh, well, um…” Maura stuttered.

“What’s your name, dear? I can check to see if you are listed on her chart,” the receptionist offered.

“Maura Isles,” Maura said.

The receptionist pulled up Jane’s medical chart, presumably checking the medical release information. Since Jane had been in the hospital before, she had filled out the form allowing certain people to be told information about her condition. Maura had no idea if she would be listed. It felt to Maura like it was taking her forever, but Maura stopped herself from asking the woman to hurry up.

“Yes, you’re listed. She’s in room 18. You can go back,” the receptionist told her.

Maura let out a quick “thank you” as she walked as fast as she could to Jane’s room.

The door was slightly open, so Maura knocked lightly and stepped inside.


	5. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters again tonight, so make sure you read Ch 4.

Jane groaned as she woke up. It took her a few seconds to realize that she was in a hospital bed covered by warm blankets. She felt a little sore, but otherwise she felt okay. She looked around the room and noticed George sitting in the corner.

“Oh, come on,” she whined. “This nightmare is still happening?”

George chuckled. “This isn’t a nightmare. And by the way, thanks a lot for leaving me behind at Dr. Isles house.”

“You weren’t in the car when I got back,” Jane said. “I wasn’t going to wait for the police to show up.”

“Yes, I was talking to my boss,” George said.

“Who? God?” Jane said, her voice laced with sarcasm.

George laughed, “No, I’m no where near high enough to work directly for God. Although, I do suppose I work for him indirectly. No, I was talking to Clarence. He told me that I earned my wings. I’m being promoted from angel, second class to angel, first class.”

“Congrats,” Jane said sarcastically.

“You could be less cynical, you know. I saved your life tonight,” George said.

Jane just rolled her eyes in response. She wanted to just ignore him, but her curiosity about Maura got the best of her.

“Maura didn’t know who I was either,” Jane said, and George could hear the pain in her voice.

“No, you were not born, remember. You did not exist in that reality.

“She was going to lose her job?” Jane asked. “Why?”

“Well, without you to help her become friends with the rest of your team, she never made strong connections with anyone at BPD. Actually, she never made strong connections with anyone. As you heard, she got along professionally with some of the team members like Vince Korsak, but her relationship was very surface level. Therefore, when she found out that she was Paddy Doyle’s daughter, she never told anyone. When he showed up at the warehouse and it became public knowledge that she was his daughter, she was accused of passing information to a wanted criminal.”

“She would never do that. She had no idea Doyle would be there,” Jane said, angrily.

“I know, but there was no way for her to prove that. He shot Agent Dean in the leg and killed Flynn to save her life, but then he got away. You can see how it would look like she asked him to be there to kill Flynn.”

“No, she would never do that,” Jane said stubbornly.

“Yes, but no one knows her like you. No one knows her as well as they do in your reality. Therefore, they have no reason to trust her.”

“So she was fired?”

“She had already submitted her resignation. Although, it hadn’t been announced yet, which is why Vince Korsak and Sean Cavanaugh were talking about whether she would be asked to resign. Had she not resigned on her own, the governor would have asked her for her resignation,” George explained.

“What was with the boxes in her house?” Jane asked, deciding she had heard enough about Maura’s job.

“She was waiting to find out if the U.S. attorney or the district attorney were going to press charges against her. If they did, she would be arrested. If they decided against pressing charges, she planned to leave the country. Regardless of whether she was charged, she would never be able to get another job in the medical field in the U.S.” he said. “Therefore, she was going to be leaving her house either way and was sending everything to storage.”

“Do you know what happens? Whether or not she was charged?” Jane asked.

George paused, “Yes.”

“Are you going to tell me?” Jane asked, clearly annoyed.

“Are you sure you want to know?” he asked.

“Yes,” Jane said fiercely.

George sighed before continuing, “She was charged, but she took a plea deal that…”

“But she wasn’t guilty!” Jane interrupted.

“She knew she couldn’t prove it and the trial would have been front page news,” George said. “She took a plea deal to avoid going to prison. She ended up leaving the country, returning to Africa to practice medicine. However, without her medical license and with the plea deal, she wasn’t allowed to work for Doctors without Borders, or for any other legitimate organization. Her parents disowned her. She had no one left in her life. She ended up making some risky decisions, working in independent medical centers in the most dangerous areas. She was miserable for the rest of her life, and she never had a family or came back to the U.S.”

Jane was crying now. She looked away from George. “I want to go home,” she muttered.

“You are home. Well, not home as in your house, but you are back in your reality,” George told her.

“What?” Jane asked.

“Check your coat pockets,” George said.

The first thing Jane checked for was the chess piece from Maura in her breast pocket. It was there and she nearly started crying again. She quickly checked her other pockets. Here wallet and everything else was there.

Jane looked back to George, “But you’re still here?”

“Not for long,” George said, chuckling. “I’m going back to get my wings. In fact, the next bell you hear should mean that I have received my wings.” He stood up and walked towards the door. “Goodbye, Jane. And thank you.” With that, he walked out the door. About 15 seconds later, he heard the bell indicating someone had been let through the locked door to the patient rooms.

The next thing she knew, Maura was standing in her door.

“Jane,” Maura said, her voice thick with unshed tears.

Jane knew by the look on Maura’s face that she was about to apologize, but Jane realized that she didn’t need to hear it, at least not now. They could talk later; both of them had a lot to apologize for and a lot to say. Right now, she needed Maura in her arms, so she opened her arms wide offer Maura a hug. Maura rushed towards her and threw herself into Jane’s arms, finally letting the tears fall.

“You have no idea how happy I am to see you,” Jane whispered into Maura’s ear, but Maura was crying too hard to respond. Neither of them said anything for a few minutes, while Maura sobbed in Jane’s arms and silent tears fell down Jane’s face.

Because Jane was lying in a bed covered with warming blankets, they were in a bit of an awkward position. When Maura’s back started to hurt, she had to pull back. She tried to stand up, but Jane held onto her to keep her sitting on the edge of her bed. Once Jane was sure Maura wasn’t going to leave, she leaned over and grabbed the Kleenex box, offering the tissues to Maura before taking a couple for herself.

“Well, aren’t we a pair,” Jane said, trying to break the silence and causing both of them to chuckle.

“I’m sorry, Jane,” Maura said quietly. “I didn’t mean to lose my composure like that. It’s just that the nurse who called couldn’t tell us anything and I was so worried. I was so afraid.”

“It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize for caring. I’m sorry I scared you and probably Ma, too,” Jane said. “Where is Ma, by the way? How did you manage to beat her here?”

Maura laughed lightly, “She drove. She’s parking the car, so she will probably be here any minute, but she dropped me off at the door. I think she was worried I might try to get out of the car while it was still moving if she didn’t.”

Jane squeezed Maura’s hand, but before she could respond further, her mother came running in the room.

“Oh, Janie, you had us so worried,” Angela cried as she rushed into the room. Maura stood up and retreated from the bed to allow Angela to give her daughter a hug.

“I’m sorry, Ma,” Jane said. “I didn’t mean to. I just slipped on the ice.”

“What were you doing out there?” Angela asked roughly.

“I went for a walk,” Jane said. This was partly true; she didn’t need to mention to her mother how drunk she had been. “The snow was beautiful, and I just wanted to enjoy it.”

Angela seemed to accept this answer, at least for now, but Jane could see that Maura looked skeptical. She didn’t say anything at the moment, but Jane knew she was in for some questioning from her friend later.

“Well, that was a little ridiculous,” Angela scolded. “You should have been at dinner.”

“I know. I just…” Jane trailed off, noticing that Maura’s eyes had filled with tears again, and she was looking anywhere but at Jane, her arms crossed protectively in front of her chest. “I just needed some time,” Jane tried again.

Angela sighed. She knew Jane was lying, or rather holding back, but she also knew that she had to let Jane and Maura work it out. Pushing Jane right now would only put her on the defensive. She felt confident that they would talk after this, and if they didn’t, she would lock them in a room together until they figured it out. Between Jane’s behavior tonight and watching Maura’s depression at dinner followed by her panic in the car, Angela knew that both her girls had finally hit a wall. Neither one of them could live like this anymore; they needed each other.

Before Angela could say anything more, Jane’s doctor entered the room. Angela stood up and went to stand by Maura so that the doctor could reach Jane.

“Good evening, Ms. Rizzoli,” the doctor said. “I’m Dr. Nimitz.”

“Hi. Please call me Jane,” Jane said politely.

“Hi, Jane,” he said. “I’d like to go over some things with you, would you like your visitors to wait in the waiting room?”

“No, they can stay,” Jane said. “They’re family, and besides, if I don’t let Dr. Isles here listen, she’ll just question me to death after you leave,” Jane added with a smile, waving her hand in Maura’s direction. Maura blushed, but Jane continued, “This way, she can ask you the questions directly.”

Dr. Nimitz walked over to introduce himself to Maura and Angela. Turning back to Jane, he asked, “How are you feeling, Jane?”

“I feel fine,” Jane said.

“Alright. Well, we’ve received the results of your CT and you don’t have a head injury. You will likely have a small bump and/or a bruise on the back of your head for a few days, though. In addition, you were mildly hypothermic when you were brought in. However, it looks like with the warming blankets, your temperature has returned to normal. Do you have any questions so far?” he asked.

Maura stepped forward. “Could I see the results of the CT scan?” she asked.

Dr. Nimitz looked at Jane, who nodded and said, “You can let her see everything.” He handed Maura Jane’s chart.

“Your blood alcohol was above the legal limit, so I can’t allow you to drive. However, if you have a ride home, I can begin the discharge process, unless anyone else has any questions,” he said.

“We’ll take her with us,” Angela said immediately.

Maura handed the chart back to the doctor, saying that she didn’t have any questions.

“Alright,” the doctor said. “Then, I’ll have the nurse write your discharge papers. We should be able to get you out of here within about 15 minutes. Please have a good evening, and if you celebrate, have a Merry Christmas.”

All three of them thanked the doctor and wished him a Merry Christmas. Once they were alone, Angela offered to go pull the car to the front door, while Jane and Maura waited for Jane to be discharged.

Maura sat in the chair next to Jane’s bed while Jane put her clothes back on, folding the ugly hospital gown. Maura didn’t say anything while Jane changed, but once she was sitting back on the edge of the bed, she asked quietly, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Jane said.

“Will you spend the night at my house tonight?” Maura asked, and Jane could hear the fear in her voice.

“Yeah, I’d like that. Thanks,” Jane replied.

“Can we talk?” Maura asked.

“Yeah, after everyone leaves though, okay?” Jane said.

Maura nodded. She paused before asking one last question, “Are we going to be okay, Jane?”

Jane reached out and took Maura’s hand in hers, “Yeah. We’re gonna be okay. I promise.” Maura gave her a weak smile and they sat together, their hands linked, until the nurse returned to discharge Jane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left.


	6. Home

Jane closed the side door of Maura’s house behind her mother. After watching to make sure she made it back to the guest house safely, she leaned her forehead against the cold window of the door. She was so lost in thought that she didn’t hear Maura come up behind her and jumped slightly when Maura placed her hand on Jane’s shoulder.

Turning around, Jane said, “Sorry, I’m just a bit tired.”

“Why don’t we go upstairs?” Maura said quietly. “I still have some of your clothes here, and I have extra toothbrushes.”

Jane nodded. “Would it be okay if I took a shower?”

“Of course,” Maura replied. “You can take a shower in the guest bathroom while I get ready for bed in the master bath. Is that okay?”

Jane nodded again. “Thanks,” she whispered and followed Maura up the stairs.

When the got to the top of the stairs, Maura told her, “Your clothes are still in the dresser in the guest bedroom. Everything else you need should be in the bathroom. I’ll bring a toothbrush, though and leave it on the bed while you’re in the shower.”

“Thank you,” Jane said. Jane quickly stripped her clothes and got into the shower. She felt completely exhausted, but she knew that she couldn’t put off her talk with Maura until the morning. The warm water helped relax her body, so she just stood under the water for a few minutes before looking around for the soap and shampoo. When she saw that Maura still had her favorite shampoo, conditioner, and body wash, she felt tears spring to her eyes. Since she was in the shower, she let them fall; she continued to cry silently while she finished her shower. Once she was done, she found a t-shirt and flannel pajama pants, as well as underwear in the drawer. She finished by towel drying her hair and brushing her teeth.

Part of her – the part that had been terrible to Maura for the past six months – wanted to climb in bed and fall asleep, but she knew she couldn’t do that.

Softly closing the guest room door behind her, she walked quietly towards Maura’s room. Maura had left the door slightly ajar for her, but she still knocked before entering.

“Come in,” Maura called, and Jane stepped through the door. She hadn’t been upstairs, let alone in Maura’s room for six months and she felt out of place. She stood halfway between the door and the bed awkwardly until Maura pulled the covers down on the other side of the bed, indicating that Jane should join her.

Once Jane was comfortably under the covers, leaning against the headboard next to her friend, she tried to start talking, “I’m sorry, Maura, for everything.”

“I’m sorry, too, Jane. I treated you terribly. I was hurt and I lashed out, but I should have come back to you later to explain. Well, I shouldn’t have lashed out, but I’m not sure I could have actually controlled my reaction in the moment, as much as I would have liked to. Anyway…” Maura rambled.

“Maura, it’s okay. I know you were upset. I mean I had just shot your father,” Jane said.

Maura cut her off, “That’s not why I was upset.”

“What?” Jane said, looking up at her.

Maura looked away as she tried to keep the tears from falling. “At the time, I thought I was upset because Paddy almost died, but I’ve analyzed the events of that day extensively. I’ve concluded that I wasn’t actually upset that you shot him. He was aiming at Barry, and he would have shot you next.”

“But then, why?” Jane asked.

A few tears fell down Maura’s face before she continued, “Because I thought you had betrayed me.”

“I don’t…” Jane started.

“I thought you were choosing Agent Dean over me, over our friendship. I thought you were choosing your boyfriend,” Maura admitted sadly.

“He’s not my boyfriend; he never was. Sleeping with him was a mistake but telling him about Paddy was an even bigger mistake,” Jane said. “I would never choose anyone over you.”

“That’s unrealistic,” Maura said. “Eventually, you will fall in love. In order for a relationship to work, you will have to put that person ahead of me.”

Jane shook her head. “No. That’s not going to happen, but first, I want you to understand why I did what I did. I know I was wrong. I know I shouldn’t have told him, but at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was so worried about you that I was trying to think of anything and everything I could do to protect you. I told him because I thought he could help keep you safe. I was stupid. I don’t know why I thought he’d put me or you ahead of his job, and I probably shouldn’t have asked him to – for many reasons. But the truth is, I couldn’t have cared less that I was potentially asking him to risk his job, and frankly his freedom, by asking him not to do anything about Paddy being in town.” Jane gave a humorless laugh before continuing, “Honestly, I still don’t really care that I risked his job. I regret telling him because it hurt you and because it ultimately put you in more danger.”

“I thought…” Maura started, but she couldn’t continue as she struggled to talk through her tears.

“I know,” Jane said. “You thought I told him so that we could take down Paddy.”

“It would have been the biggest arrest of your career,” Maura said.

“Maura, I want Paddy Doyle off the streets because he hurts people. Arresting your father isn’t how I want to make my career,” Jane said indignantly. “I would choose you every time. I _have_ chosen you every time, even when you don’t see it. I’ve let him slip through our fingers more than once if it meant keeping you safe.” Jane could feel her anger and frustration rising. She didn’t want to yell at Maura; she wanted to make this better, not worse, but she was struggling to keep her anger in check. “After the shooting, you told me that if Paddy wanted me dead, I’d be dead. Well, just so you know, if I wanted Paddy dead, I could have shot to kill, too. I took the only shot I could in the moment to keep Frost and myself alive, to keep you safe.”

“He wouldn’t have shot me,” Maura snapped. This isn’t what she had intended to say. She wanted to tell Jane that she knew Jane did the right thing, that she would pick her too, that she understood.

“No, probably not,” Jane said. “But do you think for a second, Flynn would have hesitated to put you between himself and Paddy’s bullet? And while I don’t think Paddy would hurt you – I believe that he loves you, in his own way – I refuse to trust your safety, your life to him completely.”

“I should have chosen you, too,” Maura said, surprising Jane with her confession. Jane’s face visibly softened, and her body released some of the tension it was holding. “I reacted emotionally. I’m not proud of it. I should have chosen you; I should have trusted you. You are so much more important to me than Paddy Doyle will ever be.”

Now Jane was crying too. Until that moment, she didn’t know how much she needed to hear that.

Maura continued, “You have shown me time and time again how much I can trust you. You’re my family, Jane, not Paddy.”

“I shouldn’t have asked my mother to choose between us,” Jane said in response. “I shouldn’t have called you water. I just – well, you know me; I saw the wrong thing when I’m upset, not that that excuses my behavior.”

“I won’t deny that that hurt, coming from you, but I know why you said it. I picked a blood relation over you first. We were both wrong,” Maura said quietly.

“I fairly certain that of all the terrible things I have done to or asked of my mother, that will forever be the one that she is most angry about. I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me,” Jane said.

Maura smiled softly, “She loves you, Jane.”

Jane laughed, maybe for the first time in months. “I know she does, but she loves you too. I know she regrets choosing at all, even if I did force her hand. Besides, she has lots of practice loving me and hating me at the same time.”

Maura laughed. “Don’t we all,” she quipped.

“Hey!” Jane said in mock indignation, giving Maura a soft shove in response.

“I’m just kidding,” Maura said. She opened her arms and Jane immediately leaned in to give her a hug.

“I missed you,” Maura admitted, the tears returning to her eyes.

“I missed you, too,” Jane said.

As they pulled back, Maura looked at Jane. Scrutinizing her best friend, she noticed the dark circles under her eyes, the weight Jane had lost, and the slump in her shoulders. “Jane, why were you really on that bridge tonight?” Maura asked softly, unsure if she wanted to know the real answer.

“I told you, I went for a walk. I had been drinking and needed some fresh air,” Jane said, but she couldn’t look Maura in the eyes.

“Jane, I know there’s more to it than that. If all you wanted to do was take a walk, you could have walked around the block. Instead, you walked out onto the Longfellow Bridge, at night, during a snowstorm,” Maura pushed.

“It was a beautiful view of Boston,” Jane tried, but she could tell Maura wasn’t buying it. Maura sat in silence, her gaze never leaving Jane, until Jane finally cracked. “I wouldn’t have done anything,” Jane said.

“What wouldn’t you have done?” Maura asked. She knew the answer, but she needed to hear it from Jane, and she knew Jane needed to say it out loud.

“You’re going to think I’m going crazy,” Jane said.

“No, Jane. I don’t think you’re going crazy. I am worried about your mental health though. Please tell me the truth. I promise I won’t judge you. I just want to help you.”

“I wouldn’t have done it,” Jane reiterated. “I’ve seen what it can do to the people left behind.”

“What _what_ can do, Jane?”

Jane didn’t want to say it out loud. That made it real. She knew though that Maura wasn’t going to let it go. What was more was that she knew she needed help. Even if she believed she never would have jumped, it wasn’t healthy that she had even thought about it. “Suicide,” Jane whispered. “I wouldn’t have done it,” Jane repeated, somewhat lamely.

Despite the fact that Maura had known where this conversation was headed, she hadn’t anticipated how much it would hurt to hear Jane say that word – to hear her best friend, the most important person in her life admit that she had thought, for even a second, that suicide was the best, or only option. Maura didn’t want to make this about her, but she couldn’t stop the tears that started pouring thick and fast down her cheeks.

“Maura, I’m sorry,” Jane said, feeling helpless in the moment.

Maura shook her head and leaned forward to pull Jane into her chest. Jane returned the hug as Maura held onto her as though her life depended on it. Finally, Maura’s tears had slowed down enough that she could speak – they didn’t stop completely though. “You don’t need to apologize, Jane. Depression is an illness. Even if it feels invisible, that doesn’t make it any less important or serious than a physical illness. It doesn’t make you weak, okay?”

Jane nodded, although she wasn’t sure she fully believed Maura. It wasn’t that she didn’t recognize that depression was a real illness; she did, and she had known people who had struggled with depression and other mental illnesses. It was just hard to acknowledge that when it came to her own mental state. No matter how much she told herself that depression was real, her brain kept telling her that she didn’t have a reason to be depressed, that she should be stronger than this, that she was a failure. She knew her brain was lying to her, yet she couldn’t help but believe the lies.

“Jane, look at me,” Maura said. “I know you don’t believe me right now, but this isn’t your fault” – _no, it’s mine_ , Maura thought to herself. “I’m going to help you get the help you need. I’m going to be here for you no matter how hard it gets. I’m not leaving you, no matter what.”

Reading her friend’s mind, Jane said, “It’s not your fault either. I know you’re blaming yourself because of our fight, but it’s not your fault.”

Maura sighed. “Logically, I know that, but I can’t help but wonder if this would have happened if I’d fixed this right away or if I’d paid more attention to how much you’ve been struggling.”

Jane shook her head. “First, we were both equally to blame for our fight and equally at fault for how long it’s taken to fix this. Second, you’re not responsible for making sure I’m okay,” Jane said, but Maura’s face showed how much she disagreed with this second statement.

“Maybe responsible isn’t the right word, but family takes care of each other. Family pays attention to how the other people in their family are doing. You, more than anyone else, has shown me that. You’ve risked your job and your life more than once to keep me happy and safe, but you think I shouldn’t pay attention to your health?” Maura snapped.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Jane said.

“And besides, if you want me to be selfish, then I will be. You dying, especially in a way that could have been prevented, would destroy me. So maybe I need to pay attention to your health in order to maintain my own health,” Maura said.

Jane had to keep herself from rolling her eyes. She knew that on some level Maura was telling the truth because if it were the other way around, losing Maura would destroy Jane, but she also knew that Maura was far from selfish; she wasn’t selfish for caring about Jane nor was she selfish for about a million other reasons.

“Do you really think my life would be better without you? Do you think any of our lives would be better without you?” Maura asked.

“It’s…I did, but I don’t anymore. I mean, I never really thought that anyone’s life would be better if I killed myself. Like I said, I’ve seen the devastation suicide leaves behind. It’s more that I thought that your lives would be better if I had never been born,” Jane admitted.

Maura covered her face with her hands as the tears continued to flow.

“I don’t anymore,” Jane said quietly.

“Depression and suicidal ideation do not just disappear with one conversation, Jane,” Maura said.

“I know,” Jane said. “I know I need help, but something happened tonight that helped me see that maybe I was wrong.”

Maura looked at Jane in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“I told you that you would think I was crazy,” Jane said.

“And I told you that I would never judge you,” Maura replied.

Jane sighed. She still felt a little crazy for what she was about to say, but she also really just needed to tell someone. “I had – well, I don’t know what you would call it – I guess I had a vision or a dream?”

“A dream?” Maura asked.

“Promise you won’t think I’m crazy?” Jane asked one last time.

“Jane, I promise.”

“When I was standing on the bridge a man came up behind me and told me that he knew what I was thinking and that it wasn’t worth it. He started to leave, but somehow ended up in the traffic. I just reacted and pulled him back to the sidewalk. Then, I slipped on the ice and hit my head on the railing, but it didn’t hurt. When I got up, he told me that he had just saved my life by letting me save his. He then said that I was getting a wonderful opportunity – the opportunity to see what life would be like if I had never been born. He told me to check my pockets; everything was gone, my wallet, my badge, the chess piece you gave me, everything.

“He then told me that Jane Rizzoli didn’t exist. I got annoyed and headed to the Dirty Robber, but when I tried to order my usual, Murray didn’t recognize me. The man – George was his name – he had followed me to the bar. When I wanted to leave, I remembered that I didn’t have my wallet. George didn’t have any money either. We couldn’t pay. I started to try to convince him that I would come back and pay him later, but before we could work it out, you walked up behind me and handed him a $20 to pay for our drinks. Except, you had no idea who I was.

“That was when I decided to play along with his game, even though I thought I was going crazy. But, I knew that no matter how angry you were with me, you would never pretend you didn’t know who I was.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Maura said quietly.

“I tried to follow you out of the bar, but I wasn’t fast enough. When George asked me who I wanted to see first, I was too scared to say you, so I said Ma. I started to go to your house, but George told me to go to my childhood home. When we got there, Ma didn’t recognize me. Neither did Pop. He was there, too. They were still married, clearly unhappily. Frankie lived in Ohio with Theresa and Lily. Do you remember them?”

Maura just nodded.

“Well, Frankie didn’t become a cop because I didn’t exist, so he was never able to check the DNA. Ma and Pop were broke and struggling, and it sounded like Frankie and his family were too. They weren’t even able to travel back to Boston for the holidays. And Tommy was in prison – life with no parole – for the murder of John Polk.”

“But he didn’t have anything to do with that,” Maura said furiously.

“I know, but I wasn’t there to push back. Ma and Pop couldn’t afford an attorney, so the public defender wasn’t able to argue against the circumstantial evidence.”

“But, I would have…” Maura started.

“You didn’t know him. You didn’t know my family. You did your job, and you did it well, but you didn’t have any reason to question the evidence.”

“But, I…” Maura tried.

“It’s not real, Maura.”

“Sorry,” Maura said. “Please continue.”

“So next, I asked to see Frost, and George took me to the cemetery. He was killed in the siege of headquarters. They never found out Marino was on the take. He got away and the shootout went on a lot longer than it did in real life.

“We went to headquarters after that. We saw Korsak and Cavanaugh in the café,” Jane paused, unsure of whether she should tell Maura the rest.

“What happened, Jane?” Maura questioned softly.

“They were talking about you,” Jane said.

“What did they say?”

“It wasn’t real, Maura,” Jane pleaded.

“I know, but what did they say?”

“They said you were going to lose your job – that you would either resign on your own or the governor would ask you to resign.”

“Why?” Maura asked.

“They thought you were in collusion with Paddy Doyle. You never told anyone when you found out he was your biological father. You didn’t trust anyone. You were cordial and professional with everyone at BPD. They liked you, but you weren’t close to anyone. They knew nothing about you, so when Paddy showed up at the warehouse and killed Flynn and everyone found out he was your biological father, the FBI thought you had told him to come. They thought you were passing information to him. For what it’s worth, Korsak and Cavanaugh had a hard time believing that you would do something like that.”

“But they didn’t know me well enough to know for sure,” Maura finished for her.

“Yeah,” Jane said. “I went to your house then, but you still didn’t recognize me. You thought I had followed you to the bar; you thought I was stalking you.” Then Jane laughed lightly as she added, “I think I really freaked you out because I told you all this stuff that I know about you, except I was a stranger to you.”

Maura smiled. “What did you tell me about myself?”

Jane closed her eyes, remembering back to the scene. She recited her previous words perfectly. “I told you that I know more than just your name. I know your favorite wine is Grenache; you have a tortoise that you love named Bass; you have more pairs of shoes than one person could probably wear; stomach contents are your favorite part of an autopsy; you can an A- in biochem in 1996 and you still aren’t over it; you get hives when you lie; your favorite tea is grown in panda poop – I don’t remember what it’s really called since I always call in panda poop tea just to bug you; you once watched _Jersey Shore_ because you thought it was a documentary; you often diagnose your dates with weird medical conditions; but most importantly, you’re the best, most generous, amazing person I’ve ever met.”

“Jane,” Maura breathed as fresh tears sprang to her eyes. She was sure she would be dehydrated after all the crying she had done tonight.

Jane just shrugged. “It’s true,” she said. “But it definitely freaked you out, so I ran before you could call the police. I went back to the bridge, where I yelled that I wanted my life back. George came up from behind me, startling me – I had left him at your house. When I turned, I slipped on the ice again and hit my head. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the hospital.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Maura admitted.

“George was still there when I woke up,” Jane continued. “He told me that you had resigned your job. You were charged with conspiracy. You took a plea deal to avoid a trial and to avoid almost certain jail time. You lost your medical license and left the country to practice medicine in the most dangerous places around the world, which I suppose was noble, but you were miserable, at least according to George. It wasn’t real though.”

“Jane, come here,” Maura whispered, gesturing for Jane to lay down in her arms. Maura held her tight as she said, “Maybe it wasn’t real, but the lesson of the story is very true. All of us – your family and your friends – we wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t here. I know that I, especially, wouldn’t be the same. What you said about not trusting anyone enough to tell them about Paddy, that would have been true at any other point in my life before I met you. You taught me how to trust, you taught me how to love, and you have unequivocally made my life significantly better.” Maura could feel Jane’s tears soaking her shirt, but she didn’t care. “I love you, Jane, so so much.”

“I love you, too, Maura,” Jane whispered.

They sat like that for a while, both letting the tears fall freely. Maura was the one to break the silence. “There’s one more thing I have to tell you,” Maura said into Jane’s hair. Jane tried to sit up, but Maura held her in place. “No, it’s easier this way. Please.”

“Okay,” Jane whispered.

“Jane, I’ve never told you the full truth,” Maura started.

“I don’t understand,” Jane said.

“I love you as more than just a friend. You are the most important person in my life. I love you so much more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. Jane, I’m in love with you and I have been for a long time,” Maura admitted.

Jane successfully pulled away from Maura to look her in the face. “Maura, I love you, too,” she said, and she leaned in for a long, loving kiss just as the clock hit midnight. “Merry Christmas,” she whispered.

Maura had a huge smile on her face as she returned the sentiment. “Merry Christmas, Jane.” And she leaned in for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: I had only been planning this chapter plus an epilogue, but quite a few people have expressed interested in this story continuing (or expressed disappointment when I said there were only two chapters left). On the other hand, a lot of people liked the contained plot. Therefore, I've decided to close this story with them admitting their feelings for each other. I plan to do a sequel "Even When It's Hard," that will follow their recovery and growth as a couple. The sequel will also deal with the loose ends (Jane's job, the chess piece).

**Author's Note:**

> Suicide is an incredibly difficult and complex issue. Please if you are struggling, reach out to someone. If you are in the US, you can call a free hotline 24/7/365, including on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day: 800-273-8255. Most states also have a number you can text if that is easier than making a call.


End file.
